But of course that makes no sense.

January 24, 2012 § Leave a comment

The most difficult thing in the world is accepting yourself, being okay with yourself. Not loving yourself – just accepting yourself. Just saying okay this is me now. I have done many things that many might consider difficult – I’ve written symphonies and I’ve learned not to hate and I’ve forgiven and I’ve lived in a van and I even made chicken ice cream once. But God knows I have not learned to accept myself.

I should have been an architect, should have been a doctor, should have gone to graduate school. I should have broken up with her sooner. I should have never broken up with her. I should have never tried cocaine or cigarettes. I shouldn’t have cut myself with that Buck knife back then. I should have worn more suits. I shouldn’t have left New York. I should have never gone to New York. I should have said the other thing.

But I didn’t. I didn’t. Because I cannot wear a suit. Because I did not say the other thing. Because everything was what it had to be, in some sense.

I think about being late for the plane, the plane, so much, all the time. If I am three hours late for the plane or if I barely miss the plane – which one seems to hurt more? The answer is obvious. Why? Because you feel like you could have made it. But you couldn’t, because you didn’t.

I want to be Spinozan about the whole situation. His logic I get, I do. But it doesn’t really make it any easier, the way you can know pain is a chemical but still feel the hurt.

Inevitability, mind you, is not the same as a “reason.” Things happen for a “reason” only in the sense that something came before that thing. But there aren’t any “reasons” such that you should feel particularly comforted by them.

You want to say: I could have been someone. But of course that makes no sense.


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