The ties aren’t so bad.

March 13, 2012 § Leave a comment

Sometimes I think that one’s ability to be happy in life is dependent upon one’s ability to cope with the unexpected nature of a life. Perhaps it depends on which way life turns from your expectations. Or perhaps it’s more meta, perhaps it just depends on the degree to which it turns, and not in what favor. Like maybe you just like drastic change as a thing, for the better or the worse, or maybe you despise it as a thing, even if it is for the better. One thing I do know, however, is that the very essence of life is that it is so, so, so unpredictable, so unplannable, and the complete and utter vagueness – opaqueness, even – of the future mocks my attempts to live toward it.

This truth makes me want to be in love. Why is that? Love isn’t stable. But it is present. Perhaps it has something to do with that.

I realize that I haven’t found myself just in a job I don’t like, but somehow in a career type thing I don’t like. Why am I doing this? Because I need to eat. Because I like to eat fancy things sometimes. Because I like to buy books. Because I need health insurance to see a good shrink for my many troubles, one being that I have a career I hate because I need a shrink. Because I get to take free classes at the university in hopes that I’ll one day learn something useful and get out of this situation. Because my current office overlooks the largest lake in Oregon. Does any of this make me happy about it? No, but it justifies it to myself, which is not so much close as a different thing on a similar latitude as happiness, justice I mean.

I thought I’d hate the ties. The ties aren’t so bad. Sometimes I even like the ties. It’s the loneliness that will get you in the end.

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