Midnight Confessional

May 14, 2012 § Leave a comment

Contessa de la Luna aired on Sunday nights at midnight. She was a former he I think and her show was a mix of call-in confessionals and Paris remix type house music. 90.7 it was on, KBOO, the community radio station in Portland, ostensibly named after a strain of marijuana. She thought I was still asleep when she called in to the show from our kitchen. But I was awake.

We had gone shopping that day. We bought frames. We went home and framed things. Then we ate nachos and talked about opening up a nacho restaurant, a place that only served nachos. “You really have to get that nichey these days,” I said, “like that store on Mississippi that only sells light bulbs.”

It was the day before her birthday. She wanted to have birthday sex that night to ring it in. I wanted to try to try. But I was barely holding myself together. She took the radio into the kitchen. I wrapped my arms around the cat. A low four on the floor and a little white noise hummed from the other room. Then I heard her voice. “Contessa? Yes. Hello. No, this is my first time calling in. Yeah, my first time. I’m scared. I live with my partner. I’m scared. No, no. It’s just, he’s sad. He’s so sad. He used to be silly sometimes, but now he’s only sad and I’m scared.”

In a Basin, and Out

May 3, 2012 § Leave a comment

Last night I noticed the first white hair in my beard. It doesn’t bother me save the fact that I feel I have not earned it. In 27 years of life, what wisdom have I gained? To be kind. To eat actual food. That you should never be friends or lovers with someone who is not nice to waiters. But none of this is really what we would want to call wisdom. This is just good advice. I’ve learned is a good deal of life involves some sort of disappointment. Knowing how to deal with that in a stoic or graceful manner and doing so would be wisdom, but I’m not there yet. To sort out all of the contradictions within yourself and come to terms with them, that would be wisdom. To want to die and be scared of death and be at peace with that. To fear the future and be anxious in the present. To be nostalgic without want. To accept that things will be generally unacceptable. To understand causality but to transcend blame. But I am not there yet.

My head hurts. I am tired. I think I may have an ulcer. I saw a very wide rainbow earlier in the day and it gradually seemed to bleed out over the sky, over the mountains, over the lake. I am scared to sleep. I have eaten too many avocados this week. I am in a rush.

Where Am I?

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